Developing Capable Mentors

Deliberate Parenting

Empowering Children with

“The Essential 1/2 Dozen”

Phyl R. Brinkley, M.Ed.

Outskirts Press, Inc.

Denver, Colorado

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Deliberate Parenting

Empowering Children with the Essential 1/2 Dozen

V2.0

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iii

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements . . . . . . iv

Introduction . . . . . . 1

Deliberate Parenting . . . . . . 5

“The Essential 1/2 Dozen” . . . . . . 9

Talkin’ About It Ain’t Doin’ It . . . . . . 11

Self-Esteem: Three Essential Beliefs . . . . . . 14

Capability . . . . . . 16

Influence . . . . . . 37

Significance . . . . . . 44

Successful Living: Three Essential Skills . . . . . . 53

Intrapersonal Skills . . . . . . 56

Interpersonal Skills . . . . . . 63

Responsible Decision-Making . . . . . . 70

Using “The Essential 1/2 Dozen” . . . . . . 80

A Note to my Spiritual Friends . . . . . . 84

Appendices . . . . . . 89

Acknowledgments

For Debbie, my best friend and partner in parenting,

acknowledgment is not nearly enough. Her

encouragement and support is responsible for this new

adventure.

For Chad and Kym, our children, who taught us so

much about being parents and validated many of the

suggestions made in this book.

For H. Stephen Glenn, our friend and mentor, who left

his legacy with many mentors equipping them to

empower capable young people.

Introduction

During the late 70’s, my mentor, Dr. H. Stephen

Glenn, was commissioned by then president, Jimmy

Carter, to examine the research on families for clues

about why they did or did not function effectively. (Dr.

Glenn was not fond of the term “dysfunctional” when

used as a descriptor for families. He reminded me often

that nearly all families find a way to function – some just

much more effectively than others.)

The result of his study found that young people who

were lacking or weak in certain perceptions and skills

were much more likely to act out, to become less than

productive, and to succumb to risky behaviors than if

they were strong in those areas. Dr. Glenn presented

three perceptions and four skills which determine how

successfully an individual deals with life, as his

“Significant Seven.”

It was around these Significant Seven that he authored

a very effective workshop called Developing Capable

People®, later revised and renamed Developing Capable

Young People®. Debbie, my wife, and I were honored

when Dr. Glenn asked us to participate in the revision of

his materials and to contribute some original poetry.

The organization of Dr. Glenn’s workshop provided

structure for the work that we had done with children,

adolescents and families for over twenty years. Our

work with Dr. Glenn and his materials for over a decade

resulted in a kindred relationship as Debbie and I shared

a commitment to strengthening families with Dr. Glenn

and Judy, his wife. Our working relationship developed

into a very close friendship and they became Steve and

Judy.

With Steve’s sudden passing in February of 2004,

Debbie and I were humbled when Judy told us that he

had given us license to use, update and/or revise his work

as we continue our work with families.

We make no apology that the work we do today,

including this book, is a combination of the research,

work and expertise of Dr. Glenn with the training,

experience and knowledge that we have gathered from

him and other mentors during our journey.

Steve and I often discussed the fact that the

information presented in the workshops we facilitated,

and trained others to facilitate, was not new or unknown

information, it was just presented and experienced in

such a way that the workshop participants could embrace

and practice techniques that they instinctively agreed

with already.

Participants, whether they were parents, teachers,

coaches, counselors, or leaders of religious or civic

organizations, left those workshops better equipped to be

effective mentors.

The information and techniques are no less powerful

today than when I first visited them in the early 90’s.

However, today’s climate of hustle and bustle and new

technology makes the workshop setting (which was so

successful then) more difficult to stage now.

It is with this in mind that I have purposed to provide

the content and techniques in a different format. This

book provides much of the information along with

suggested action steps that can help the reader to

internalize the material and become a more effective and

deliberate parent.

As I have worked with these materials and

particularly with the Significant Seven, I have often

combined two of the skills; one whose emphasis is

responsibility and another dealing with decision-making.

I have chosen to present these two together as the skill of

responsible decision-making.

Also, after seeing the effects this material has had on

many individuals and families, including my own, I

believe the perceptions and skills are not only significant,

but essential.

Therefore, I have begun to present these three

perceptions and three skills that do, indeed, help young

people become capable, resilient, productive and

successful, as “The Essential 1/2 Dozen.”

Deliberate Parenting

“It takes a good parent to make a good child.”

– Sam Haskell, author

All of us want to raise great kids. In its purest form,

our motive would be that our children would become

capable, resilient, responsible and successful. And then,

there is that part of us that wants to be known as a good

parent. How often have we observed an unruly child in a

store or at a ballgame and wondered, “Where is that

child’s parent?”

You may have said, or heard it said, “Children should

come with an instruction manual!” Many of us have

realized that learning to parent is mostly on-the-job

training.

As a counselor working in an educational setting, I

have come to believe that just as new teachers end up

teaching like they were taught, parents usually parent the

way they were parented. This could be good, or well…

this could be not so good.

So, if we are to believe Sam Haskell (see the quote

above), and I do, the key to raising capable, resilient,

responsible and successful children lies in being a good

parent. Therefore, the model we present to our children

becomes a significant influence on our children and our

children’s children.

Once acquired, the title of “parent” never goes away.

However, the goal is to work our way out of the “job” of

parenting. In other words, we want our children to

become self-reliant rather than dependent upon us.

For some, it seems that effective parenting just comes

naturally and capable, resilient, responsible and

successful children are the result. For others, parenting is

a challenging and exhausting job and the success of the

children is left to chance.

While trying to come up with just the right title for

this book, Debbie asked what I hoped the result of the

book would be. We discussed how our society has

changed and the effect it has had on families. Parents

face challenges today that our parents could not imagine.

I mentioned that in my work, I talk with many parents

seeking help in meeting these new challenges. I said,

“Parents want to be more…” “Deliberate?” she asked.

Great word!

When the dictionary confirmed that deliberate meant:

characterized by, or resulting from careful and thorough

consideration; slow, unhurried, and steady as though

allowing time for decision on individual actions

involved, we knew it was right.

This is exactly what we have been promoting in our

work with families for years – deliberate parenting.

I believe the key to being an effective, deliberate

parent is to create an environment where “The Essential

1/2 Dozen” can be taught, caught and nurtured.

As we all know, the family today comes in all shapes

and sizes. As often as not, both biological parents are not

present in the home. It is not unusual for grandparents to

be raising the children of their son or daughter. With this

in mind, this book is written for anyone parenting

children.

The temptation may be to read the entire book in one

sitting. This will certainly be possible. However, the

material is too great to be read, understood and digested

in such a short time. There was a good reason why the

information was originally designed to be distributed in a

nine-week workshop format.

Just the changes recommended in the chapter on

Capability will not happen overnight. Therefore, the

recommendation is that after reading the entire book, go

back and spend time in each chapter dealing with one of

the Essentials. Reread, consider the suggested actions,

and try on the new behaviors. Allow some time for

change, and then evaluate the results.

“The Essential

1/2 Dozen”

"In any given endeavor, there are only about a half-dozen things

that make a significant difference." - Jim Rohn

The shelves of many bookstores and libraries,

including my own, are lined with books on parenting.

They often go to great lengths to address every

conceivable aspect of parenting and family life.

This book is different. It is meant to be a practical,

how-to, hands-on guide about a half-dozen essentials that

any parent can utilize to improve parenting effectiveness.

These Essentials have proven to increase family

cohesiveness and improve family relationships. They are

tested and proven. They can do the same for your family.

"The Essential 1/2 Dozen"

1. Perception of Personal Capabilities - "I am

capable of facing problems and challenges and gaining

strength and wisdom through experience." - I Can.

2. Perception of Personal Influence – “I am

accountable for my actions and choices and can influence

how I live.” - I Will.

3. Perception of Personal Significance - "Who I am

and what I have to offer is of value - life has meaning and

purpose." - I Am.

4. Intrapersonal Skills – Skills of self-assessment,

self-control, and self-discipline in response to feelings.

- It's About Me.

5. Interpersonal Skills – Skills to connect,

communicate, cooperate, share, empathize, resolve

conflicts, and listen effectively when dealing with people.

- It's About You.

6. Responsible Decision-Making Skills – Utilizing

responsibility, adaptability, and flexibility as resources

for making decisions and choices based on moral and

ethical principles, wisdom, and experience – developing

“sound judgment.” - It's All About Choices.

It is my strong belief that parents who create an

environment where “The Essential 1/2 Dozen” may be

taught, caught and nurtured make an investment in their

children which will serve them and their loved ones well.

It is my hope that this book will help to equip parents to

create such an environment.

Talkin’ About It

Ain’t Doin’ It!

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment

before starting to improve the world.” – Anne Frank

We live in an age of information. As a professional

educator, you would think that I would be elated and

content. Even as knowledge doubles at an increasing

rate, our access to it grows even faster. Hardly a week

passes that a company does not introduce a chip or fiber

that can access and process information at speeds

surpassing the speed of light.

Today, high school students have a wealth of

information at their fingertips that just a decade ago

university students were spending hours searching for in

libraries filled with volumes and volumes of books. If

anyone has an interest in talking about something, they

can retrieve information, discussion, debate and history

of the topic in minutes if not seconds.

The job market has grown beyond belief with

occupations for collecting, storing, categorizing,

scanning, and placing on web sites, information that a

short time ago would have been unavailable to all but the

most educated. It may place more value than ever on the

quote by Albert Einstein, “Never memorize anything you

can look up.”

And with the development of television coupled with

the availability of information, we have witnessed the

birth of the talk show. Pick a subject and with a little

channel surfing you will soon find someone or group of

people talking about it.

AND it has become a spectator sport! Live audiences

and unknown numbers of others who watch TV have

given such support to these programs that their hosts

have not only become well-known, recognizable

celebrities, but very wealthy in the process.

Somewhere in all this, we have begun to fool

ourselves into believing that if we are passionate,

concerned or upset about something, that the thing to do

is put together a group, panel, seminar, workshop, or

event and talk about it. Too often, the talk becomes the

only product of these gatherings. Simply stated, the talk

becomes the work of the workshop.

The purpose of this book is not just to provide

information, illustrations, experiences or opinions that

you could have gotten from your friends, social group or

random person on the street.

The purpose of this book is to inspire action. It has

been said that people only make changes out of

inspiration or desperation. Whether you come out of

desperation or seeking inspiration, it is my goal that you

will take action to become a more deliberate parent.

To that end, after discussing each Essential, you will

find not only questions for thought or discussion, but also

suggestions of specific actions which have been shown to

increase parenting effectiveness as it relates to that

Essential. If you incorporate one or more of these actions

and forget all the written information, this book will have

served its purpose.

Hopefully, this book would be beneficial to individual

readers, small discussion groups or as a reference for a

seminar or workshop to inspire action.

With that said, let’s get on with it because – “Talkin’

about it, ain’t doin’ it!”

Self-Esteem:

The Three Essential

Beliefs

“I contend that this unfulfilled need for self-esteem underlies every

human act, both positive and negative.” – Robert Schuller

Mention self-esteem and you get a wide range of

reactions. The problem seems to be that many have

equated self-esteem with ego, and so to have self-esteem

is to have an inflated ego.

This interpretation would suggest that low self-esteem

would be demonstrated by a self-loathing person and a

person with high self-esteem would be so stuck on

himself that no one else would want to be around him.

I prefer to use the term “healthy” self-esteem. I

believe this describes the self-esteem that those in the

personal development business have in mind when they

promote its importance. Dr. Schuller helps when he

defines self-esteem as “…the human hunger for the

divine dignity that God intended to be our emotional

birthright as children created in His image.”

Healthy self-esteem, like happiness, is often a byproduct

of other factors. The three essential beliefs we

will examine form the foundation for personal

development which results in a healthy self-esteem.

The person who believes and perceives himself as

capable, as having influence, and as significant, is a

person with a healthy self-esteem.

Essential # 1:

Capability

“If you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

- Henry Ford

Much has been written and discussed about the

empowerment found in a perception of personal

capability. The belief in one’s self may be the best

predictor of success in school, business or life in general.

Books have been written, songs have been sung,

poems have been penned and lectures have been

delivered to convey this basic tenet of personal

development. Specifically, that the starting point for

success is a belief in one’s ability to confront, strive with,

and overcome life’s challenges and press toward the goal.

Today, we define resiliency as the ability to bounce

back and thrive under adverse or challenging

circumstances. Indeed, it is resiliency that prevents us

from finding ourselves “under the circumstances.”

Resiliency is a direct result of a healthy perception of

personal capability.

As parents, one of the most life-changing

contributions we can make is to create an environment

where our children can begin to develop a strong

perception of personal capability.

William Glasser said, “Children see in the eyes of the

teachers and parents who raise them, mirrors in which

they discover themselves.” Like many other things, the

perception of personal capability is more often caught

than taught.

So, in our role as parents, how do we create an

environment in which the perception of personal

capability exists like a virus to be caught and nurtured in

such a way it becomes a chronic condition?

Unfortunately, our efforts to create the environment

often not only fall short but sometimes become counterproductive.

They then become not builders, but barriers.

Stephen Glenn described five barrier behaviors of

well-meaning parents that sometimes prevent the

development of the perception of capability. To our

great relief, Dr. Glenn suggested that not only could we

recognize and stop these barrier behaviors, but he also

presented five builder behaviors that could be substituted

to promote effective parenting.

Therefore, as he often did, let’s look at examples of

each barrier behavior, then at a more appropriate and

effective builder behavior.

The study of these barrier behaviors must come with a

caution! If you begin to feel guilty about the fact that you

see yourself in one or more of the behaviors, you will

quit learning. The truth is there is not one of us that does

not fall into these behaviors, particularly under stress. In

fact, most of the following examples come from Debbie’s

or my experiences as parents or educators. So, let’s put

the guilt aside and see what we can learn together.

Assuming

Assuming what the child is or is not feeling, is or is

not thinking, can or cannot do, and does or does not need,

is a mistake parents make because it is expedient.

Assuming usually comes from what we know; or rather

think we know, about the child.

Assuming says, “I know you so well that I know how

you will think and act and, perhaps even, what you will

say in a given situation.” This is based on the

assumption that, “You have not grown, matured, learned

or developed in any significant way since I have known

you.”

However, assuming discounts the very belief that

motivates us to be a more deliberate parent in the first

place – the belief that children can change. Rather than

take the time to find out if the child has changed, matured

or learned anything new, it is more expedient to assume

we do know the child and “get on with the parenting.”

If you are going outside, it is cold and you call to your

parent in the next room, “I’m going outside,” the

assuming parent calls back, “Get your coat!” Well, after

all, you did forget it once when you were six.

And that is the point. The assuming parent believes

that if you forgot your coat once, you will forget it every

time. It is easy to see where assuming conveys not a

belief in the child’s capability, but rather, in his/her

inability to change, learn, grow or mature.

Another example comes from Debbie’s personal

experience. On a rainy day at the preschool, Tommy

decided that it looked a lot more fun to run out into the

rain instead of into the playroom with the rest of the

class. Someone had to get him out of the rain and see that

he changed into dry clothes. As the Preschool Director

and the one with empty hands, Debbie volunteered for

the job. The teacher quickly reminded her that Tommy

could not undress or dress himself.

Like the other barriers we will see, assuming often

communicates a lack of capability, causes a questioning

of self-worth and undermines an internal locus of control.

Locus of control refers to what guides a person’s

actions or behavior. An external locus of control would

indicate that behavior is guided by fate, luck or other

external circumstances. An internal locus of control

would indicate that behavior is guided by a person’s own

decisions and efforts.

Assuming, recognizable by its constant manifestation

of reminding, promotes dependency.

Just being able to recognize the language of assuming

and stopping it, could by itself improve the effectiveness

of the parent. Replacing the barrier behavior of assuming

with the builder behavior of checking magnifies this

improvement.

Checking

Checking not only sounds more respectful to the

child, but conveys capability as it invites him/her to

consider the situation and act in an appropriate manner.

The time required for checking is well spent.

The unassuming parent, wanting to reflect an image of

capability may ask, “How cold is it outside?” or “What

might you need to take since it is cold outside?”

In the preschool example, Debbie decided to check

the assumption. After assisting Tommy with his shoe

laces, she handed him dry clothes and waited to see what

would happen. Wow! He undressed and dressed with no

help. It seemed no one had checked in a while about

Tommy’s ability to dress himself.

Now, consider the difference in the following:

“Get your book, paper, and pencil and let’s take a

look at your math homework.” (Assuming)

vs.

“What do you think you will need for us to look at

your math homework?” (Checking)

The first statement assumes that the child cannot

decide on his/her own what items are necessary to work

on the homework assignment. This may be based on a

previous session when the child did not come prepared,

but the message is clear to the child. The parent assumes

the child has learned nothing since that time.

In the second example, the checking question is

respectful, considerate and communicates the belief that

the child is capable of considering the situation and

resolving the issue.

The challenge at this point is to identify times when,

rather than assuming, it might be more beneficial to

check first.

Rescuing/Explaining

Rescuing is coming to the aid of a child who has not

had the opportunity to experience the consequences of

behavior. These consequences are sometimes good and

sometimes not so good. Either way learning can take

place.

This may be one of the easiest traps to fall into

because our motivation for rescuing is caring. So, we

rescue in order to “take care” of our child.

As a loving and caring father, I started early and

honed my skills as a rescuer. By the time our son, Chad,

was a sophomore in college I had rescued him time and

time again.

Chad enjoyed everything about being at college

(except maybe the academic part). After having been on

academic probation the previous semester, Chad received

a letter from the dean’s office congratulating him on this,

a much better, semester and indicating that he was being

removed from probation. All he had to do was come by

and visit with the dean sometime within a two-week

window.

Chad was on the baseball team and found the letter

just before time to leave for the baseball field on the last

day of the window. It was game day! He explained that

to the secretary when he called to ask for more time. She

politely told him that there was no more time. This was

the last day.

He tried one more time with the secretary. “You just

don’t understand. If I am late getting to the field, I will

have to run laps.” The secretary did not budge. “What

about next week?” The dean would be out of town next

week.

What was he going to do? It was at that moment Chad

remembered that Mom and Dad were on their way to the

game. He suggested to the dean’s secretary that his dad

come instead of him. The secretary agreed. (This was a

mistake on her part and made her an accessory to the

rescue.) Chad hurried to the ball field.

As soon as we arrived, Chad came running from the

dugout and into the bleachers. (One small point that adds

to the story is that we, Chad’s parents, both graduated

from this school. We knew lots of people at the game and

didn’t particularly want everyone to know just how much

Chad was enjoying school!)

Nevertheless, he poured out his tale of woe. Faced

with the dilemma, I agreed to go meet with the dean and

everyone was happy (except me).

The next morning while his mom and sister slept in,

Chad and I went to breakfast. During our conversation,

Chad asked about the work that I had been doing with

teachers and parents. I decided to tell him about “Barriers

and Builders.”

After explaining rescuing, Chad got really quiet. He

finally said, “You mean like you did for me yesterday?”

Wow, I had a “BFO” (blinding flash of the obvious) and

said, “Yes son, exactly like I did for you yesterday.”

It was agreed upon that from that point forward, there

would be a “no-rescue” policy in our household. Believe

it or not, it worked out great! Chad really began to learn

to work through problems on his own. We were his

biggest cheerleaders and were always on the side line for

support and encouragement.

Akin to rescuing is Explaining. When I was not

rescuing, I was busy explaining. A counselor by trade, it

was easy and natural to suggest that Chad sit down and

let me explain to him how to make good grades, how

losing builds character, or why girls act the way they do

(Who was I kidding?). In short, I would explain what

happened, why it happened, and what he should do about

it.

Often when I began explaining, I would get “the look”

from Debbie. I knew what the look meant, because I had

gotten it before! It meant - just be quiet, this is not the

time.

Many times, explaining comes in the form of a lecture

in the midst of an episode when emotions are out of

control. This makes explaining not only ineffective, but

a cause for resentment and further rebellion.

Rescuing and Explaining may be expedient, but in the

long run they rob children of the opportunity to think,

consider, and learn from their experiences. They

certainly do not promote a belief in personal capability.

The builder option is Exploring.

Exploring

Exploring takes a little more time, but the investment

becomes the seed of capability. Timing is of the essence.

Waiting a little while, finding a quiet place, with calmer

emotions makes exploring much more effective.

Simply asking, “What?” “Why?” and “How?” is a

good way to stimulate the thoughtful process needed in

order to problem solve. “What happened?” “Why did it

happen?” and “How can you change things to see that

you have a different outcome next time?” These

questions challenge the child to explore and realize that

he/she is capable of learning and growing.

This is a good time to point out that children are

different and may require different approaches. This was

true with our children.

Debbie remembers vividly the day that we were

driving in the car and having a discussion about

something that needed attention. After she asked Kym,

our daughter, “What happened?” “Why did it happen?”

and “How can you do things differently next time to be

sure you get the result you desire?” Kym’s response was,

“Never mind. I will take care of it. I will do anything to

keep you from asking that question.”

Although our children often rolled their eyes at the

onset of the questioning routine, they soon realized our

sincerity and our belief that they were capable of working

through many of their dilemmas using their parents as

resources rather than rescuers and explainers.

Remember – Experience keeps you from making

mistakes and making mistakes is where you get

experience.

This is true when one reviews the mistakes with some

exploring questions. Having the opportunity to

experience some consequences and learn from them is

essential to learning, maturing and becoming capable.

Consider the parent who drops everything to take

forgotten gym shoes to school. Upon receiving this call,

the parent might have responded, “I appreciate you

calling and giving me an update on your day. I will be

interested in hearing how you worked out your problem

when you get home.”

Now it should be mentioned that what we are looking

for are patterns. Even the most responsible child forgets.

But, when the forgetfulness becomes a pattern which is

responded to by rescuing, it is time for change.

Directing

Like rescuing and explaining, directing is also born

out of expediency. Directing involves not only telling

someone what to do, but generally includes step-by-step

instructions and a time table. There is also no quicker

way to create a sense of dependency than by directing.

It is easier and quicker to just tell others exactly what

to do, without providing them a chance to figure it out on

their own. Directing sometimes includes leaving a list of

things to be done by others while you are away.

Since I was taking care of the rescuing and

explaining, Debbie became the QUEEN of Directors. “I

want you to do this, this, this, and this. I also want it

done my way and done yesterday!”

Sometimes, directing involves not only children, but

others in the family. Consider a scenario at home.

The wife might corner the husband and say, “I need

you to pick up the kids from school. Be sure that each of

them gets a snack. Remember that Susie doesn’t need

too much sugar. Then when you get home, be sure

homework is completed before TV or outside play. Then

if you could check on dinner in the slow cooker, I will be

home just in time to eat.”

Do you think Dad will be happy to see Mom?

Probably not. The husband who was given all of those

instructions is an adult with the ability to think and act.

So what if he doesn’t do things exactly as Mom would

have done them? The kids are with him, and probably

happy that they have a reprieve from the drill sergeant.

Often, directing sets out the minimal expectation and

you get nothing more. You say to your child, “Pick up

your shoes in the living room.” You return to find the

shoes gone, but the socks remain. When you ask about

the socks, you get the expected response, “You didn’t say

socks!”

Directing sometimes creates resentment. As a result,

when the child encounters a list of things to do, often one

thing on the list is left undone, just for spite.

When tempted to direct, you might ask yourself these

two questions:

1. Will the world come to an irrevocable halt if I

don’t step in right now and direct?

2. Will this person ever have to act in his/her own

behalf at anytime during the future?

If the answer question # 1 is yes, and the answer to

question #2 is no, then go ahead and direct. Otherwise,

perhaps your directing behavior is becoming counterproductive.

Directing, instead of promoting capability, sends the

message that the child is not smart enough to figure out

what needs to be done. Options are Inviting and

Encouraging.

Inviting/Encouraging

As we look back at the examples given, maybe it

would have been much more respectful and less stressful

for all, if the husband had heard, “Thank you so much for

picking the kids up today. Have a good time with them,

and I will see you at dinner.”

Inviting help is often effective. Debbie’s directing

became inviting and encouraging. “You know Mom is

very busy right now. Anything you can do to help in

straightening up in the living room would be

appreciated.”

Children who are not told each little step but rather

are encouraged to contribute to accomplishing the task

are more likely to see the need for the actions and are

empowered by the parent’s belief in their capability.

And sometimes, the child will contribute more than even

expected or hoped!

It should not be overlooked that in every new

situation, there must be some “basic training” that occurs.

How will your children know what a clean room looks

like to you if you haven’t shown them? This brings us to

the next barrier.

Expecting

Expecting can be defined as setting high standards

and then spending the majority of time pointing out the

failure to reach those standards.

There is certainly nothing wrong with having high

standards. We simply need to be sure that they are

realistic and understood.

An example of Expecting would be the extreme

opposite to Directing. Rather than giving detailed

instructions or a list, the child would be told the expected

outcome, without any consideration given to the level of

training and/or understanding. Then, when the work is

not up to the standard, the language used communicates,

“You knew how that should have been done.”

Not only does the child not rise to the high

expectations, he/she actually comes to believe that the

parent’s expectations of him are very low. Always

having your faults and shortcomings pointed out fosters

thoughts like, “I’ll never measure up, so why try?”

These feelings of inadequacy caused by constant

reminders of short-comings can be off-set by replacing

them with celebrations.

Celebrating

Celebrating is recognition of the progress toward the

expectations, regardless of how small. This recognition is

most effective if given in the absence of any more

instruction.

Perhaps you say, “Thanks for clearing off the table

and wiping the counters, but you forgot to take out the

trash.” Everything you said before the “but” will be

forgotten. After thanking the child for the work done,

later you might say, “Could you also help me by taking

out the trash?”

The key in celebrating is to provide the child with

good feedback and information that can be repeated and

improved upon as he/she strives to reach the expectation.

In short, the child is encouraged and empowered.

Isms

Isms are similar to expectations in that they imply that

the other person should already know what you do. They

may be parentisms, teacherisms, or just adultisms.

The implication is that the child should know what the

parent knows, that the student should know what the

teacher knows, or that any young person should know

what the adult knows.

In this case, the parent has forgotten what it was like

as a child. The correcting parent may ask, “When will

you ever…?” “How come you never…?” or “Surely you

realize…?”

Or, it may go farther with some ridiculous questions

like: “Why are you so childish?” “When will you ever

grow up?” “How many times do I have to tell you?” or

“Exactly what is it that you don’t understand?”

The child may want to respond. “Perhaps I am

childish because I am 6 years old.” “I guess I will grow

up one year at a time.” There is no answer to, “How

many times do I have to tell you?” (Pity the child who

tries to guess!) And “If I knew exactly what I did not

understand, then I would understand and would not need

to ask.”

More often than not, the child replies with the safe

answer, “I don’t know.” Isms can be replaced with

Respect.

Respect

The parent who desires to be clear and respectful

might ask, “What is your understanding of what I just

asked you to do?” A follow-up question could be,

“Under what circumstances would you need to check

with me?”

Simple respect of the child’s level of understanding

helps him/her feel more capable. Respect also celebrates

and recognizes uniqueness and diversity as it empowers.

In all of our dialogue and interactions with others,

remember that everyone deserves to be treated with

dignity and respect. The language of respect is, “What is

your understanding of…” and, “Let me make sure I

understand…”

Avoiding the barriers and using the builders can be

the beginning of deliberate parenting. A quick review

will let us see how this awareness can help build

closeness and trust, while creating an environment for the

development of capability:

Assuming is based on past mistakes – Checking

provides a clean slate.

Rescuing and Explaining is problem solving for a

child – Exploring is problem solving with a child.

Directing is telling children exactly what to do –

Inviting and Encouraging is asking for children’s

participation.

Expecting (too much too soon) discounts children for

not reaching the standard – Celebrating focuses on effort

and what was gained by trying.

Isms emphasize stereotypes – Respect recognizes the

uniqueness and individuality of children.

As a well-meaning parent, you will at some time find

yourself exhibiting one or more of these barrier

behaviors. No one is immune. We have all done it.

However, in recognizing and stopping barrier

behaviors and substituting appropriate builder behaviors

the parent creates an empowering environment that

promotes personal capability.

"I am capable of facing problems and challenges and

gaining strength and wisdom through experience." - I

Can.

Questions for Thought or Discussion:

Think of a time or event around which you felt

especially capable.

Was there another person who contributed to your

perception of capability? What was it that the person

said or did that made a difference? Relive the event or

share it with others.

Knowing we can also learn from bad examples, you

can consider a time you felt less than capable. What

might have made it a positive experience?

Remember: Talkin’ About It Ain’t Doin’ It!

OK. Here are your action suggestions:

Try to identify which of the barriers you most easily

recognize in your interactions with others. (You may

have already done so as you read through them.)

Becoming conscious of it and beginning to catch yourself

when you do it, is the first step.

In the next week, try to pinpoint times when you are

exhibiting that behavior.

Then, when you realize you are in the midst of your

barrier behavior – STOP. As you get better at this step,

you may see the behavior coming and prevent it from

happening at all.

When you have been able to stop, brainstorm some

ideas about what other actions you might have taken. As

you think back on the interaction, ask yourself, “What

else might I have done that would have been more

effective?”

Finally, begin to substitute Builder behaviors and

enjoy the results! In time, it can become a conscious and

natural process.

Oh, one more thing! The Barriers and Builders

discussed in this chapter offer the parent the most

immediate and most observable opportunity for change.

You may want to pause here, or return when you have

read through the book, and “try out” some new

behaviors. You will be rewarded!

Essential # 2:

Influence

“Find the serenity (peacefulness) to accept that which you cannot

change, the courage to change that which you can, and the wisdom

to know the difference.” - The Serenity Principle

While the role of a parent is to guide, it is not to create

a dependency upon one’s self. Ultimately, the goal is to

create a perception of personal influence for the child that

manifests itself in a statement like, “I am accountable for

my actions and choices and can influence how I live.”

In other words, it is not luck, good fortune or up to the

alignment of the stars that determines how life turns out

but rather, a direct consequence of owned choices and

actions. This is all about Locus of Control (as defined in

the previous chapter).

In generations past, young people grew up working on

farms or in the family business to help support the

family. It was easy in that environment for them to see

the consequences of their decisions, choices, and actions

on a daily basis. With the advent of technology and more

leisure time, locus of control often becomes more

external than internal.

Although a complete internal locus of control

resulting in total autonomy can be very destructive, so

can an external one relying on luck, fate and

circumstances. That said, the healthy place between the

two would be closer to internal.

Children and young people need the hope that comes

from the perception of having control over what they can

change and the ability to control their responses to that

which they cannot.

Unfortunately, the message we get from today’s

society is often that it is reasonable, expedient, and even

sexier to rely on an external locus of control. This is

especially true when it comes to the media.

Consider these messages prevalent on television:

1. Drinking or substance abuse is the primary activity

in productive social relationships.

2. Self-medication is the primary means of

eradicating pain, discomfort and boredom.

3. Casual sexuality is the accepted norm.

4. Acts of violence and lawlessness are acceptable

solutions to problems.

5. Patience, deferred gratification, personal initiative,

sacrifice and hard work are unacceptable activities

to be avoided by drinking, self-medication, or the

use of some product or service.

On the issue of authority, television often portrays

families with children in control, schools with students or

“cool” teachers in control, and law enforcement practices

where the ends justify the means.

Schools are beginning to use monetary rewards or

gifts to encourage better grades or attendance. Grades

themselves are given such importance that our best

students admit to cheating in order to receive higher

marks, grade point averages or rank-in-class.

Living with mostly an external locus of control only

produces people pleasers who are always conscious of

image and how they look to others.

Although behavior modification (another form of

external locus of control) has been found to be effective

with laboratory mice, it is not always effective with

children.

In all these ways and more, society today tends to

prevent the development of an internal locus of control.

So, what can be done?

In order to develop a perception of personal influence,

young people must be allowed to see how their choices

determine outcomes. There are several ways the parent

can set up the environment to encourage an internal locus

of control.

An obvious method is by modeling the behavior.

The child learns by observing how parents respond to

things in their world. Rather than saying, “They changed

some policies at work this week and it’s going to cause

me a lot of grief,” the parent might respond by saying,

“They made some policy changes at work this week and I

haven’t decided yet what adjustments I need to make.”

The modeling communicates that even though I may not

control everything in my environment, I can decide how I

choose to respond.

The parent may also teach Exploring as it was

outlined in the previous chapter. Remember those

questions? “What happened?” “Why did it happen?”

and “How can you change things to see that you have a

different outcome next time?” The goal of Exploring is

to discover that you can change things and increase the

chances for the outcomes you prefer. By exploring the

past, you can learn to influence the future.

Perhaps the most effective method is by setting up a

consequential environment. This means setting

boundaries and limits. The development of personal

influence comes with the opportunity to experience

consequences as a result of the decisions made about

those boundaries and limits.

It should be noted here that the wording “experience

the consequences” rather than “suffer the consequences”

is intentional and significant. Consequences are not

always something to be suffered. Good choices and

appropriate actions usually result in pleasant

consequences. Unfortunately, we often only talk of

consequences when they are unpleasant due to poor

choices and inappropriate actions.

One of the best ways to set up a consequential

environment is the use of the family meeting.

Consequences are most effective when they are related,

reasonable and revealed in advance. These are called

logical consequences.

For instance, a topic of discussion in a family meeting

might be curfew. Some years ago, in such a meeting, we

set up the following logical consequence to missing

curfew.

Although you are still expected to let Mom and Dad

know where you are and when you will return, if you

exceed curfew, you will owe us the minutes the next time

you choose to go out. That is if you choose to be 30

minutes late, the next outing’s curfew will be 30 minutes

earlier.

The key is how you present the opportunity to

experience the consequences. If the curfew is typically

10:30, then we might remind our daughter as she leaves,

“See you at 10 o’clock.” “But my curfew is 10:30!”

“Yes, we know. But remember, last night when you

stayed out until 11? You chose to come in tonight at 10.”

Then, we stood by our daughter’s decision. It was not

something we did to her, it was her decision. She had

exercised her personal influence.

This is also a form of positive discipline. Remember,

the root word of discipline is disciple. A disciple is a

willing participant. Discipline is different from

punishment. While punishment is always past-oriented,

discipline is always future-oriented.

When everyone participates in the family meeting by

helping to set up the consequential environment, personal

influence is demonstrated, responsible decision-making

(a topic of a later chapter) is practiced, and positive

discipline happens.

“I am accountable for my actions and choices and

can influence how I live.” - I Will.

Questions for Thought or Discussion:

What are some things in your life over which you

have no ability to change? (Things to accept.)

What are some things over which you have most

influence? (Things to change.)

How do we develop wisdom?

Remember: Talkin’ About It Ain’t Doin’ It!

OK. Here are your action suggestions:

Find a time to sit with your child and help him/her

explore some experience which could have turned out

better. Simply ask these questions: What happened?

Why do you think it happened? How could things have

been handled differently to produce a more favorable

outcome?

Download and study the “Family Meeting Notebook”

from our website (developingcapablementors.com). The

download is free. It has also been included as an

appendix to this book. Experiment with the process in

your family.

Brainstorm about other ways to allow your child to

make choices and experience consequences.

Essential # 3:

Significance

“The search for purpose, meaning and significance is the greatest

human need.”- Dr. H. Stephen Glenn

Of the three perceptions included in “The Essential

1/2 Dozen” – capability, influence and significance – this

one, Significance, is the most critical. Each of us wants

to be able to say, "Who I am and what I have to offer is

of value - life has meaning and purpose."

Rollo May, a prominent psychologist stated, “Most

addictive, compulsive behaviors and the vast majority of

so-called ‘unwanted’ pregnancies may actually represent

an attempt, on the individual’s part, to fill a void of

significance within the core of their identity!”

It has been said that human beings are the only

creature whose need to be needed is stronger than the

need to survive. Perhaps all of us know of examples

where a person demonstrated that life had meaning and

purpose as it was sacrificed for someone else.

On the other hand, when one sees no meaning or

purpose, or perceives that no one needs or would miss

him/her, the person is very much at risk. A perception of

significance is, without doubt, a life and death situation.

Our sense of personal significance even affects our

physical health. Harvard Medical School, in a study of

cancer, strokes and hypertension, found that the best

predictor of getting or recovering from a stress-related

illness was the person’s perception of the significance of

what they did each day.

Again, there are conditions in the environment that

can promote the perception of personal significance. The

growth of this perception requires that the child be:

1. Understood – not just heard, but genuinely

listened to,

2. Accepted – receives unqualified respect for

his/her feelings, beliefs and uniqueness, and

3. Affirmed – that his/her contributions are seen

as having value and worth.

The communication, interactions and dialogue

between the parent and child determine if these

conditions are present. The parent must learn some basic

lessons about communicating. If the child happens to be

an adolescent, it is particularly true since we know that

an adolescent’s safest and most often used answer to

questioning adults is, “I don’t know.”

However, when adolescents believe that parents offer

a non-judgmental, non-threatening environment and a

sincere caring about them, they will begin to share at a

level that often catches the parent by surprise.

A parent, who wants to engage an adolescent, needs to

avoid questions like: Did you? Can you? Do you? Will

you? Won’t you? Are you? Aren’t you? All those can be

answered with a yes, no, shrug, or just an odd look.

We need to ask questions like, “What was the best

part of your day today?” “What was the funniest thing

you heard someone say at school?” “How do you think

the painter was feeling when he painted this picture?”

These open-ended questions give the young person an

opportunity to share more than just a one-word answer.

Then we need to listen in such a way as to convey that

we truly value their answers, beliefs and opinions. If it

differs from ours, we might follow up with, “That’s a

new angle for me. I would be interested in knowing why

you see it that way.”

Let’s define dialogue as a meaningful exchange of

perceptions in a non-threatening, non-judgmental,

supportive environment. Parents, who wish to cultivate

personal significance, must create this non-threatening

relationship.

Kurt Lewin says, “Whenever a person perceives threat

in any environment, including the real or imagined loss

of regard, the possibility of feeling foolish, he/she will

stop learning and practice self-defense. He/she will lie,

scapegoat, cheat, or do anything that keeps the

threatening person from seeing him/her as he/she is.”

That is to say that if the person perceives a threat to

his/her significance, he/she will only return shallow,

meaningless answers or will not talk at all.

The school teacher must present a safe, nonthreatening

environment where mistakes are acceptable

and failure is okay if optimal learning is to take place.

Home can be an environment rich for learning by

communicating to the children, that not only will

mistakes be acceptable, but expected. How many

children sit in their rooms afraid to try something new

due to the fear of making a mistake? Mistakes are

inevitable. Without mistakes, no learning takes place.

“Until I can risk appearing imperfect in your eyes,

without fear that it will cost me something, I can’t really

learn from you.” - Rudolph Dreikurs

As a school counselor for over 25 years, it pains me to

see some of the behaviors of unknowing teachers or

parents. It’s not unusual to hear a remark like, “She is a

C student.” I often suggest to the teacher or parent,

“What I hear you saying is that this year, in this class,

with this teacher, she is making a C.” Sometimes my

point is well taken, sometimes not.

Though parents would likely deny it, I have often had

students express their feeling that the parent’s love and

approval is based on their performance in school as

reflected on a report card or transcript. Separating the

person from the performance is critical in protecting

significance.

Significance is all about unconditional love and

respect. It is demonstrated through sincere interest and

caring. A child believes this is spelled T-I-M-E.

Although our goal for effective parenting is to set forth

some essential actions, it has been said that the only

ability parents need is availability. And to be fair, there

is a lot of truth in that statement.

However, the deliberate parent can do more than just

be present. Time together can become more meaningful

if the parent creates the non-threatening, non-judgmental,

supportive environment mentioned earlier.

Small children have no trouble crawling up into our

laps, taking our face between their palms and turning it to

look directly at them to make sure they are getting our

full attention. Though older children will not go that far,

their inner desire is still the same.

Just prior to publishing this book, I happened to see

Jim Bob Duggar and nine of his children. (You likely

recognize Jim Bob as the father of the Duggar family on

the TV show, Nineteen and Counting.) Jim Bob was one

of my high school students in the early 80’s. While

reminiscing, he reminded me of an acronym I shared

with him and his classmates about listening. He said he

has used it often over the years.

The acronym, SOLER, helps the listener attend and

helps the speaker to see that the listener is attending.

• Square up – your shoulders with the speaker’s

• Open up – uncross arms and legs, be open to the

speaker

• Lean – a little toward the speaker, do not lean

back

• Eye contact – an obvious thing to do

• Relax – just relax and allow it to happen.

By the way, when I told Jim Bob I was writing a book

on parenting, he suggested I title it, Be Fruitful and

Multiply!

Understanding and accepting the viewpoint of the

child does not require agreement with the child’s belief

or point of view. In many cases the difference presents a

wonderful opportunity for further dialogue.

Remember how we went on and on when our young

children brought pictures or projects home from school?

Remember how they beamed, and no doubt, felt special

as we complimented them?

Too often, as they grew older, we said less about their

accomplishments and contributions, and they may have

interpreted it as a loss of significance. We may have

even fallen into the high expectations trap described in

the chapter on Capability and said more about what they

failed to do than what they did.

Children, adolescents and adults never outgrow the

need to have their accomplishments and contributions

recognized. At any age we still beam and feel significant

when someone we respect does so.

It should be mentioned that this recognition must be

sincere and have some real basis. Frivolous praise is

quickly seen as phony and may be more harmful than no

recognition at all.

Telling children they are special for no apparent

reason or on no special occasion can do much for the

perception of significance. The child may spend some

time trying to find out what he/she did to deserve the

comment. When finally realizing that there was nothing,

the child begins to consider that it was just for being.

"Who I am and what I have to offer is of value - life

has meaning and purpose." - I Am.

Questions for Thought or Discussion:

Think of a time or event around which you felt

especially significant. Was there another person who

contributed to your perception of significance? What

was it that the person said or did that made a difference?

Relive the event or share it with others.

Knowing we can also learn from bad examples, you

can consider a time you felt less than significant. What

might have made it a positive experience?

Remember: Talkin’ About It Ain’t Doin’ It!

OK. Here are your action suggestions:

Set aside a time to spend with your children and ask a

sincere question like: “What are the three most

important/funny/strange/happy/etc. things that happened

in your life this past week?” Then, listen! (SOLER)

Send a hand-written note to your child for no special

occasion just to let them know how much their

relationship with you means.

Make a list of other things you can do to help children

feel significant.

Successful Living:

The Three Essential

Skills

“Practice does not make perfect. Practice makes permanent.”

– Anonymous

Skills are different from beliefs. Beliefs are most

often caught. On the other hand, skills are taught.

Beliefs are observed, considered, perhaps tried on and

finally accepted. Skills are practiced, evaluated,

tweaked, practiced, evaluated, tweaked… and acquired.

I am reminded of the disgust expressed by my

daughter as she watched professional and college

basketball players miss free-throws. I can hear her say,

“Just bend your knees and follow-through! It’s a freethrow!”

She then often muttered something about

anyone who she coached would practice free-throws until

midnight if necessary, but they would acquire that skill.

Even though she was quite young at the time, she

understood the importance of quality practice in

acquiring skills.

The three essential skills in the following chapters are

critical to successful living. Two of them, understanding

self (Intrapersonal Skills) and relating to others

(Interpersonal Skills), might be called people skills while

the third, making good choices (Responsible Decision-

Making), may be the least taught of all personal skills.

Understanding self and relating to others may have

never been more important or more neglected than they

are today. The change in our society does not present the

same informal classroom for maturing as it did for my

parents’ generation. Much of the self-awareness and

understanding of relationships was acquired almost by

osmosis as young people grew up working side by side

with older siblings, parents, aunts or uncles and even

grandparents.

Making choices, making mistakes and making

corrections were a normal part of growing up. It was not

only inevitable, but expected. Young people expected to

make mistakes and understood it was part of the learning

process. They also knew that there would be no shame

or ridicule associated with the mistakes because others

expected them as well.

However, there was also the expectation that mistakes

would be corrected, more practice would be necessary,

and the learning would take place. Thus, new skills

would be acquired.

Today, the acquisition of these three essential skills

requires a more concentrated, more deliberate effort.

Many young people perceive that being less than perfect

is often seen as… well… being less.

Essential # 4:

Intrapersonal Skills

“It turns out that kids who are better able to manage their

emotions…actually can pay attention better, can take in

information better, and can remember better. In other words, it

helps you learn better.” - Daniel Goleman

Intrapersonal skills are those which pertain to us as

individuals. There are primarily three skills in this area:

self-assessment, self-control and self-discipline. So, as

our logo would suggest – “It’s about me.”

Recognizing, interpreting and being able to describe

one’s feelings are the basics of self-assessment. It’s a

very conscious awareness of what is going on with me

right now. Although communication will be discussed in

the next chapter on interpersonal skills, self-assessment is

a critical first step to our interactions with others.

Self-assessment statements begin with “I.” They

would be statements like, “I am excited,” “I am angry,”

or “I am happy.”

When feelings are identified, there is no judging

involved. Feelings are not right or wrong, good or bad.

They are just feelings. Parents must create an

environment that insures children that their feelings are

not only okay to experience, but also okay to express.

Children who are talked out of their feelings are confused

and wonder what is wrong with them.

Males, particularly, are often taught growing up to

suppress their feelings and “be a man.” Then, later in

life, after trouble at work, in their marriage, or with their

children, they often find themselves spending large sums

of money with a therapist who tells them they must learn

to share their feelings.

For example, feeling angry is okay. Talking about

feeling angry is okay. Using anger to harm someone (or

self) is not okay. Exploring the anger and how to deal

with it is much more productive than dwelling on who or

what may have been involved in a situation which led the

child to respond in anger. It is certainly more productive

than trying to talk the child out of being angry.

The parent can create an environment for selfassessment

in several ways. The most obvious way is to

teach the child to just ask, “What am I feeling at this

moment?” The child then needs to be reminded not to

deny or hide the feeling, but rather, embrace it as valid.

Modeling is always our most effective teaching tool.

As children see and hear us identify and validate our

feelings, they learn that feelings are a normal part of life.

Another important point is that apologies should be

made for actions not feelings. It is much more effective

(not to mention more truthful) to say, “I am sorry I raised

my voice when I was angry,” than to say, “I am sorry I

got angry.”

Once children become comfortable with the idea that

their feelings are a normal part of life, they are ready to

move on to the second intrapersonal skill, that of selfcontrol.

Self-control is about behaviors.

Often, the first step is to separate feelings and

behaviors. An elementary child who says, “When I get

mad, I hit” does so with the belief that one is tied to the

other or the behavior of hitting is caused by the feeling of

anger.

The challenge is to teach that behaviors are responses

to feelings, but are not caused by them. Again, modeling

can be very effective. The parent may use statements

like, “Something happened today and I got very upset. I

have not decided yet what I am going to do about it.”

This statement models two things. First, the parent

owns the feeling. Then, the parent indicates that the

resulting behavior will be a choice.

Self-control is the ability to choose from a number of

behaviors in response to a feeling. In a nutshell, it is a

choice to act rather than react.

The parent may help the child’s understand by asking,

“What were you feeling?” then “When you felt that way,

what did you do?” then “What else might you have

chosen to do?”

Understanding that behaviors are responses to

feelings, but are not caused by them, and that choices can

be made about the chosen behavior, the child is ready to

learn about self-discipline.

The following diagram is helpful when teaching selfdiscipline.

Event Feeling Behavior Outcome

The sequence is easy to see. An event happens, we

experience a feeling, we respond with a chosen behavior

resulting in an outcome.

Gaining insight into self-discipline implies a change

to our diagram.

Event Feeling Behavior Outcome

Assuming the same event and feeling, self-discipline

is the ability to recognize the feeling, choose a desired

outcome and then adjust the behavior to produce the

desired outcome.

The child’s understanding is enhanced by having been

able to experience some outcomes (both desirable and

undesirable) in the past. This implies that the child has

not been rescued (see the chapter on Capability) so often,

and has experiences to call upon.

The parent should walk through this scenario,

encouraging the child to consider the results of different

behaviors without judging or criticizing the different

choices. Allowing the child to explore not only helps the

understanding of self-discipline, but communicates the

parent’s belief in the capability of the child to problem

solve and make good choices.

Self-discipline, the highest of the intrapersonal skills,

is a journey from: things happen that cause feelings that

cause behaviors and outcomes, to: things happen, I

experience a feeling, I can consider a desired outcome

and choose my behavior to produce the desired outcome.

As the child gets older, the word consequences may

be substituted for outcomes. This will help the child

understand that like outcomes, consequences may be

either good or bad.

Development of the intrapersonal skills is a crucial

step in developing the skill of responsible decisionmaking

that we will explore later.

Intrapersonal skills are the skills of self-assessment,

self-control, and self-discipline in response to feelings. -

It's About Me.

Questions for Thought or Discussion:

What are the implications of a statement that begins,

“You made me (feeling word), when you …”?

Why is it not appropriate to label feelings either good

or bad?

How does age affect understanding the difference

between owning behaviors vs. blaming others?

Remember: Talkin’ About It Ain’t Doin’ It!

OK. Here are your action suggestions:

Take the time to explore an event (pleasant or

unpleasant) from this past week by considering what

feelings were involved, what actions were taken, and

what outcomes were experienced. Then, what other

actions might have been taken and what other outcomes

might have been experienced. And finally, to experience

desirable outcomes, what actions could be taken.

Invite your child to share an event from the past week

and work through this same exercise.

Essential # 5:

Interpersonal Skills

“The most important single ingredient in the formula for success

is knowing how to get along with people.” - Theodore Roosevelt

Employers have often identified interpersonal skills as

the most critical skill area in the modern workplace.

They point out that these skills are essential to customerservice,

management, training and conflict resolution.

School districts have pointed out that interpersonal skills

play a major role in reading readiness and effective

learning.

Unfortunately, we are seeing the development of

interpersonal skills happen more slowly and less

adequately than in previous years. Perhaps, the most

significant factor in this decline is the increasing absence

of dialogue. Few would argue the suggestion that the

major player in the absence of dialogue is the growing

use of technology.

Even before cell phones, email and texting did away

with letter writing and face-to-face meetings, the

invention of television, VCR’s and sound systems turned

the family room into an entertainment room void of

family dialogue. Why gather and visit around the dinner

table when you can take your food to the entertainment

room and escape your own drama while getting involved

in the drama of make-believe?

Social networking by today’s definition would

certainly bring a complete look of bewilderment to the

face of anyone in my parents’ generation. If Facebook

includes a face picture, it is a static one which in no way

reflects the feelings, attitudes or beliefs of the person

generating the text; which becomes a posting going out to

some random audience.

John Naisbett warned us in his book Megatrends: Ten

New Directions Transforming Our Lives, published in

1988, that along with the advent of high technology

would come a need for high touch. And in his newer

book, High Tech High Touch: Technology and Our

Search for Meaning, published in 2001, he describes

America as a “technologically intoxicated zone.”

In schools today, we see adolescents and preadolescents

who have a preference to using their thumbs

to send texts to friends rather than walk across a room

and talk face-to-face. (Interestingly, many cell phone

plans make it cheaper to send unlimited text messages

than to engage in voice conversations.)

I have sat in many sessions where a new generation of

youth workers tells us that in order for us to

communicate with young people today, it is a must that

we understand and become proficient in things like: My

Space, Facebook and “tweeting.”

Though I am certainly not a proponent of sticking

one’s head in the sand about technology, I still believe in

the importance of some old-fashioned, non-technological

skills like: listening, connecting, communicating,

cooperating, negotiating, sharing and empathizing.

These are skills that are critical if we are to preserve

the art of dialogue. Dialogue happens when two people

have the opportunity to share their thoughts, feelings,

beliefs, fears, joys, sorrows and ideas in a nonthreatening,

non-judgmental setting.

Dialogue is the reward when two individuals have

made an attempt and accomplished what is often the

work of connecting. Connecting with another individual

is not always easy.

Dr. Taibi Kahler, another of my mentors, suggests that

there are six different types of personality. Though each

of us possesses some degree of each type, each of us has

one type which is dominant.

Where dialogue is concerned, we have the best chance

of making a connection if we are with someone whose

dominant type is the same as ours. If this is not the case,

one individual (or both) may need to draw on a different

part of his/her personality so that both may be on

common ground.

In a nutshell, Dr. Kahler’s model points out six

personality types, each with its own values and preferred

speech patterns:

• The Thinker thinks about data, facts and

information and chooses words like: I think…

What options… When… Where…

• The Believer believes in values and chooses words

like: I believe… We should… In my opinion…

respect… trust…

• The Feeler reacts emotionally to life and uses

words like: I feel… I’m comfortable… mad, sad or

glad… closeness…

• The Dreamer dreams more quickly than acts and

chooses words like: I need time to reflect… Don’t

rock the boat… not sure…

• For the Funster, it is all about strong reactions and

humor and the word choices are often: Wow!... I

don’t like… fun, slang phrases…

• The Doer just desires action and uses words that

indicate action like: Cut to the chase… Go for it…

enough talk…

For the parent wanting to make a connection, the

implication is to listen for some of these words or phrases

and pick up on the dominant personality type of the child.

Then, by realizing which type the child seems to be, and

by speaking with similar language, the parent increases

the chances of making a good connection.

Once a connection is made and the parent has

resolved not to be threatening or judgmental, dialogue

has a chance. Even so, children are often suspicious at

first.

A history of being put down or disrespected when

offering an opinion will lead a child to avoid speaking at

all. Students in school soon learn that if they all remain

quiet when the teacher asks a question, the teacher will

soon answer the question and go on.

Unfortunately, many interactions between parent and

child are one-sided and better labeled monologues than

dialogue. How sad that a familiar saying is, “Children

are meant to be seen and not heard.”

Dialogue, as it has been defined here, is crucial to

having the family meetings that will be mentioned later.

Since they often involve sharing, listening to, and

negotiation of differing points of view as conflicts are

resolved and expectations are set.

Interpersonal skills, used skillfully in dialogue, do

much to avoid unhappy endings and hurt feelings which

are blamed often on a “misunderstanding.”

Interpersonal skills are skills to connect,

communicate, cooperate, share, empathize, resolve

conflicts, and listen effectively when dealing with people.

- It's About You.

Questions for Thought or Discussion:

How is face-to-face dialogue different from emailing

or texting?

Which of Dr. Kahler’s personality types do you

believe is dominant for most people? Which other type

is very prominent?

Do you think just changing your language can make a

difference in connecting with others?

Remember: Talkin’ About It Ain’t Doin’ It!

OK. Here are your action suggestions:

Take time to examine your last week and estimate the

amount of time that was given to quality dialogue.

List opportunities for dialogue that you might interject

into your upcoming week.

Make a commitment to dialogue with your child void

of interruptions by TV, radio, cell phone or other people.

Keep in mind suggestions from a previous chapter to

avoid questions like: Did you? Can you? Do you? Will

you? Won’t you? Are you? Aren’t you?

Instead, ask questions like, “What was the best part of

your day today?” “What was the funniest thing you

heard someone say at school?”

Also, review the SOLER listening model. Then,

enjoy!

Essential # 6:

Responsible

Decision-making

“It’s all about choices.” - Phyl Brinkley

Increasingly today, life consists of a variety of

systems. For adults, the systems may include the work

environment, at home with family, at the gym, at church,

at various meetings of clubs or organizations, or at other

leisure activities. For young people, the systems may

include these and others, such as school, athletic teams

and local hangouts – all of which change complexion

depending on the presence or absence of adults.

Unfortunately, for many children the different systems

may be Dad’s house this week and Mom’s next week.

However, it has been proven that with effective and

deliberate parenting, children can and do, learn to be

flexible and adaptable.

As an educator, I have on multiple occasions

conducted inquiries, (some formal and many informal)

about student competencies seen important to employers,

college representatives, parents and students themselves.

The most common competency, or skill as we have

defined it, is responsible decision-making.

Responsible decision-making is hopefully the

outcome of learning from, and the preparation to live

with, the ever present law of cause and effect.

It appears that somewhere on the way to a society that

values affluence and leisure, many have lost sight of the

law of cause and effect. Expediency, self-gratification,

immediate satisfaction, passing the buck, excuse-making

and “I did it my way,” seem to be so commonplace that

they appear legitimate.

As many look around and wonder how they came to

be in their present state, the conscientious parent must

see the priority in providing an environment for the child

to learn responsible decision-making.

Working with high school students who find they

must repeat courses needed to graduate, are not making

the honor roll, are not prepared for college, have been

kicked out of their house, have problems due to

addictions, or worse situations, counselors in my office

often finish their visit by reminding the students that,

“It’s all about choices.” It has become such a common

theme that we have adopted it as our motto.

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood…” My

generation memorized this Robert Frost poem and went

on to prove that memorization does not necessarily

transfer to inspiration. Responsible decision-making and

ownership of consequences must have been the road less

traveled. Many more took the easier path.

The big question for the parent is how to create an

environment where the child can learn to make

responsible decisions and own the consequences. The

requirements are few:

• A safe climate in which to risk learning,

• Opportunities to choose and experience the

consequences, and

• Support and encouragement in the process with the

end goal in mind.

Much like the barriers we examined in the chapter on

Capability, there are two types of environments which

discourage the development of responsibility.

Sometimes, both environments – permissiveness and

strictness - occur in the same family. They may occur at

the same time with one parent opting for one and the

other parent opting for the other. They may occur at

different times, first one and then the other, much like the

extremes of the arc of a pendulum.

The permissive environment is most often seen when

there is an excessive need by one or both parents to be

seen in a good light by the child, the child’s peers or

other parents. The adults in this case feel insecure in the

face of conflict and fear the unrest that conflict might

bring. Many times this is a result of their own

upbringing and no training or knowledge of teaching

through consequences.

On the other extreme, the strict parent demands

control through threats, warnings, manipulation and

punishment. This environment almost always produces

aggression, hostility and rebellion.

In the permissive environment the child appears to

have complete internal locus of control, until behaviors

become so lax and unacceptable that the pendulum

swings back to strictness and complete external locus of

control is exerted by the parent to demand compliance.

Partly because control is much easier to express than

teaching, most schools and homes would be seen as

strict, demanding, rule-following, external locus of

control environments.

The conscientious and effective parent realizes that

the planning, patience and time that goes into creating an

environment to teach responsible decision-making is an

investment with far-reaching rewards.

The parent who sets out to help a child learn to make

responsible decisions and own the consequences, must:

create an environment that is safe, non-threatening and

non-judgmental; be willing to give clear feedback; allow

the child to experience consequences; and follow through

with firmness, dignity and respect.

In order for the child at home (or school) to learn

about choices, he/she must feel free to choose without the

threat that undesirable results will bring an attack to selfesteem.

This, of course, is directly related to the

unconditional love and acceptance discussed in the

chapter on Significance.

This is by no means a suggestion that parents or

teachers abandon their roles of authority. However, at

age-appropriate times, children and students must be

allowed to make choices that parents or teachers are

relatively sure will produce outcomes considered

unfavorable by the child or student.

Given this safe environment, the child needs clear

feedback about choices, both good and bad. Feedback

which separates the act from the child prevents resistance

and defensiveness.

Consider the subtle difference in these two statements.

“I love the card you sent me. That was very thoughtful of

you.” vs. “I love you for sending me the card.”

The first statement is clear and refers to the act. The

second statement is confusing and makes the love sound

conditional.

Of primary importance, is allowing the child to

experience the consequences. As we discussed in the

chapter on Capability, the rescuing or explaining parent

prevents the opportunity for learning presented by the

law of cause and effect.

There are two kinds of consequences, natural and

logical, and each has its place. Natural consequences

simply let the law of cause and effect operate. Logical

consequences are put in place by the parent and are very

effective when used correctly.

Natural consequences can be great teachers, but there

are times when they should not be used. These times are

when the child or someone else could be hurt, there are

greater, more serious consequences at stake, or if the

child is not old enough to understand the lesson to be

learned.

When setting up logical consequences, the parent and

child should agree that they are related to the behavior.

Digging holes in the back yard is no more an appropriate

consequence for a messy room than copying pages from

the dictionary or writing sentences is for writing on a

school desk. Cleaning the room rather than being

allowed to watch TV and cleaning the defaced school

desk are consequences that are related to the behavior.

Logical consequences should also be reasonable for

the child and the parent. I have often wondered as

parents have told me that they have grounded their child

for the entire semester, who was being disciplined? Do

the parents really want to sit at home for the next

semester to supervise the child?

Reasonable is the key word here. Having the child

clean the entire house for months or the student clean all

the desks in several classrooms is unreasonable. If the

consequences are unreasonable, the child looses not only

the hope of ever being in good graces, but also, the will

to change behaviors.

Logical consequences are also more effective when

revealed in advance. Although this is not always

possible, when guidelines, reasonable limits, and related,

respectful and reasonable consequences can be agreed

upon before the incident, the opportunity for teaching

responsible decision-making is enhanced.

The most important ingredient in making the process

work is the follow-through. The parent must be firm

while showing the child dignity and respect. In being

firm, the parent:

• Does not renegotiate the consequence after the

behavior

• Does not judge, criticize or ridicule

• Does not seek to punish rather than discipline

• Allows the child the right to experience and own

the consequences.

The exploring that was discussed in the chapter on

Capability is also a crucial part of the follow through.

Asking three questions and letting the child answer

without prompting, can be very empowering for the

child.

• “What happened as a result of your choice?”

• “Why did this happen?”

• “How will this experience influence what you

choose to do in the future?”

The questioning also allows the parent to assess the

cognitive development of the child and adjust teaching to

be age-appropriate.

When adolescents do not have this opportunity for

dialogue and collaboration with parents or teachers, they

generally turn to their peers who have the same level of

insight and experience. This often results in bad advice

and poor choices.

Just as significance is the most important of the three

perceptions and heavily affects capability and influence,

responsible decision-making is key to developing the

intrapersonal and interpersonal skills.

Hopefully, this skill and the learning that goes with it,

begins early for the child. Experiencing consequences,

exploring choices and making corrections early may

prevent making poor choices later when the

consequences can be more painful or dramatic.

My mentor, Dr. Glenn, put it well when he said, “We

need to be tough enough in our love for children to help

them endure the temporary discomfort, upset, and even

heartache it takes to begin learning the essential lessons

of life.” He also liked to say, “Parenting is like weaning.

Sometimes it is harder on the weanor than it is on the

weanee.”

The law of cause and effect is here to stay.

Regardless of the difficulty, responsible decision-making

is a skill that must be taught, practiced and attained.

Avoiding excessive permissiveness or strictness by

using a consequential environment and following through

with firmness, dignity and respect are the key ingredients

as the parent teaches and nurtures responsible decisionmaking.

Utilizing responsibility, adaptability, and flexibility as

resources for making decisions and choices based on

moral and ethical principles, wisdom, and experience –

developing “sound judgment.” - It's All About Choices.

Questions for Thought or Discussion:

Do you believe families and schools spend enough

time teaching responsible decision-making? What more

can we do?

What kinds of things do we do that actually prevent

children from learning about the law of cause and effect?

What are some examples of how we can teach

responsible decision-making at different ages?

Remember: Talkin’ About It Ain’t Doin’ It!

OK. Here are your action suggestions:

Evaluate your family to determine if you have a

permissive or strict environment. Do you often change

from one to the other?

List ways that you can set up a consequential

environment complete with follow-through that is firm

with dignity and respect.

Call a family meeting (see next chapter) and

implement the consequential environment in order to

facilitate responsible decision-making.

Using “The Essential

1/2 Dozen”

“Talkin’ About It Ain’t Doin’ It!” – Phyl Brinkley

Through the years, many parents have reported that

they were more effective after creating an atmosphere

where “The Essential 1/2 Dozen” could be taught, caught

and nurtured.

Though I have heard and read many of those

testimonies, my passion about “The Essential 1/2

Dozen” comes from first-hand experience in my own

family.

Ideally, children should be exposed early to the kind

of parenting that these chapters have contained. As a

matter of fact, some would say that the window of

influence is small as shown in the diagram that follows.

Indeed, we have used this chart often to encourage

parents to use their influence early before peer influence

becomes strong in the lives of their children.

Change can be, and often is, difficult. Sometimes

when we change, things get worse before they get better.

For some, using the suggestions in this book will be seen

as making only slight changes. For others, the changes

may be seen as very different for family members.

Perhaps the best way to “try out” these suggestions is

by initiating family meetings. The family meeting serves

as the laboratory where parents can introduce the need

for the changes as well as the changes themselves.

Simply stated, the family meeting is a time devoted

entirely to family dynamics. Here the family can share

accomplishments, appreciations, dreams, plans, and

problems. It is that safe, non-threatening, nonjudgmental

environment where families grow together

and individually.

In the family meeting, each family member is

recognized as capable, as having influence and as

significant. It also serves as a practice field and proving

ground for developing the intrapersonal, interpersonal

and responsible decision-making skills.

Although the structure of the family meeting may be

as unique as each family, some suggestions may be

helpful. Several years ago, Debbie and I wrote “The

Family Meeting Notebook.” (I have included it as an

appendix in this book. Download a full-size version free

from our website: developingcapablementors.com.)

With age-appropriateness in mind, the family meeting

can be used with all ages of children. Obviously, when

children are very young, the time may be very short.

Even when children become adolescents, an hour or so is

probably ample time and allows everyone to stay

engaged.

I mentioned before that when we began to use the

techniques and ideas presented in this book, Chad was a

sophomore in college and Kym was just completing

junior high school.

Debbie and I believe that the most deliberate

parenting we did was the implementation of “The

Essential 1/2 Dozen”. The results we saw were

extremely satisfying.

Chad is married with two precious daughters and

since college has created and managed his own

successful business.

Kym, the most capable young lady I know, has just

returned from living and working in London, England for

three years. After transitioning back to the U.S., she

works as the Assistant Director of Guest Services for a

family camp in Colorado.

We could not be prouder of our children. We are

truly thankful for the mentoring and parenting skills that

Stephen Glenn empowered us with when he exposed us

to this material.

I would not be so presumptuous as to say this is the

only way to parent effectively. I can only say that it has

been effective for us. I share it with you with the sincere

hope that you might find “The Essential 1/2 Dozen”

beneficial as you experience not only the challenges, but

the joy of parenting.

And, remember - Talkin’ About It Ain’t Doin’ It!

A Note to My Spiritual Friends

“To whom much is given, much is required.” – Ancient manuscript

Many of you, like Debbie and I, choose to do life

from a spiritual frame of reference. What we believe is

very important to us and, as one might expect, influences

the things we do and certainly what we share with others.

The approach to parenting presented in this book

works for us and is consistent with the spiritual beliefs

and values which we hold so dear.

Sometimes our audience is very receptive to spiritual

applications and even scripture being added to our

presentations. Sometimes it is added and sometimes not.

We certainly do not want to offend anyone in such a way

that they would fail to see the value of the information

presented.

I often smile when I remember how Steve used to say,

“My mother recently sent me a scripture that says…”

After sharing the appropriate scripture, he would go on to

connect the spiritual truth with the point he was making

at the time. “No one would be offended by me sharing

the spiritual wisdom of my mother,” he would say.

I have already shared quotes from Dr. Robert Schuller

about self-esteem. I would recommend his book, Self-

Esteem: The New Reformation. His quotes define the

healthy self-esteem that I believe is referred to in the

latter part of the verse admonishing us to “love our

neighbors, as (we love) ourselves.”

It is, indeed, the truth of this healthy love of self,

based on the unconditional love we are shown with no

strings attached, which is the truth that sets us free. No

longer must we strive to put others down so we will look

better, but rather are set free to live a life of service to

others.

More might be said about each of the perceptions or

beliefs which make up and serve as a foundation for this

healthy self-esteem.

If I am ever pressed to state why I believe in personal

capability, I have to respond that the source of personal

capability is the Creator himself. “I can do all things

through Him who strengthens me.” (Phil. 4:13, NASB)

or, “I am ready for anything through the strength of the

One who lives in me.” (Phillips’ New Testament in

Modern English) Enough said. This is about faith.

Personal influence is all about accountability. Herein

lies the teaching about free will. Though the ability to

choose what we do is freely given, making decisions

without guidance surely seems suspect. Not only does

scripture tell us there is wisdom in many counselors, but

that if we don’t know how to meet any particular

problem, we have only to ask God and wisdom is given

without making us feel guilty or foolish. (James 1:5

Phillips) This is about hope.

Significance! There is almost no need to expand on

this perception. From the creation of man in “His own

image” to the Gospels where the Son makes it clear how

significant man is, the message is undeniable. We are

significant! To say otherwise is to argue with the Creator

and His desire that we live life and live it abundantly.

This is about love.

So, there is faith, hope and love. But the greatest

of these is love. (I Cor. 13:13)

And then, “what a piece of work man is” that we are

created in such a way that we can learn from each other

the skills to understand ourselves better, the skills to

relate to others better and the skill of making responsible

decisions as we live with and serve each other. How

fortunate we are to have this universal law of cause and

effect to learn how our actions affect others and

ourselves.

I feel blessed to be able to share with you what I

believe is a scripturally sound approach to parenting.

Whether your beliefs differ slightly or much from mine, I

hope you will take “The Essential 1/2 Dozen”, consider

their time-tested effectiveness and apply them as you

choose. They will help you be a more effective and

deliberate parent.

Years ago my mother gave me a framed copy of “The

Parent’s Prayer” to hang in my office. I have developed

a special appreciation for it as I realized how closely it

fits with the principles presented in this book.

Perhaps, you will find it meaningful, too.

PARENT’S PRAYER

O Heavenly Father, make me a better parent.

Teach me to understand my children, to listen

patiently to what they have to say, and to answer

all their questions kindly.

Keep me from interrupting them or contradicting

them. Make me as courteous to them as I would have

them be to me.

Forbid that I should ever laugh at their mistakes,

or resort to shame or ridicule when they displease me.

May I never punish them for my own selfish satisfaction

or to show my power.

Let me not tempt my child to lie or steal. And guide

me hour by hour that I may demonstrate by all I say and

do that honesty produces happiness.

Reduce, I pray, the meanness in me. And when I am

out of sorts, help me O Lord, to hold my tongue.

May I ever be mindful that my children are children

and I should not expect of them the judgment of adults.

Let me not rob them of the opportunity to wait on

themselves and to make decisions.

Bless me with the bigness to grant them all their

reasonable requests and the courage to deny them

privileges I know will do them harm.

Make me fair and just and kind. And fit me, O Lord,

to be loved and respected and imitated by my children.

– Anonymous

APPENDICES

Family Meeting Notebook . . . . . . 90

Author’s Bio . . . . . . 108

Contact Information . . . . . . 114

THE FAMILY

MEETING

NOTEBOOK

“Empowering Families for

Successful Living”

Phyl and Debbie Brinkley

developingcapablementors.com

transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, or

mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any

information storage system without the written permission of

Phyl R. Brinkley and Deborah L. Brinkley. Users do have

permission to duplicate the last four pages as needed for personal

use.

Introduction

We stand convinced that the family is not only the

cornerstone of society, but also the primary educational

setting for the development of the perceptions and skills

necessary to equip individuals for the challenges of life.

With this in mind we have made a commitment to

“Empower Families for Successful Living.”

Changes in, and challenges for, the family have

increased greatly over the last two generations. Many

would say that society has put the traditional family

under much stress and perhaps, destined its ultimate

demise. Recently, in a conference, we heard a speaker

say that the family has moved from first place in

influence in individuals’ lives to some lesser position of

influence behind things like the media and peers. We

strongly believe that the family in which we spend our

formative years still far outweighs other influences.

It is in the family, during the formative years (which may

include from birth to ?), that our initial perceptions and

skills become a part of who we are. True, the family

may or may not be as effective as in generations past in

imparting “healthy” perceptions and skills, but the

influence is still there as strong as ever and may be good

or not so good.

In our fast-paced world, many family traditions and

rituals have diminished or disappeared completely.

With the advent of radio, television, computers and cell

phones, the biggest loss of all may be family dialogue –

not just talking at, to, or for each other, but rather, with

each other.

Dialogue – Its Definition and Importance

Dialogue is not just talking and listening. Meaningful

dialogue happens when people feel they can share their

perceptions freely in an environment without hesitation

or the fear of being judged or ridiculed. Only in this kind

of environment can we hope to build closeness and trust

so vital to cohesiveness. Today, the family desperately

needs to provide that environment. Some do, many do

not.

It might be prudent at this point to state that “family”

does not imply any particular number of adults and/or

children. The family meeting we propose works with

two-parent families, single-parent families, families with

no children or families with children of various ages.

An offering – not a guarantee

We do not propose to convince you that this is the way

families must operate. We only offer this notebook and

it’s suggestions as a way which has often provided a

structure that has helped families grow together and

maintain some cohesiveness along the way. Even the

structure offered here may not be what works for you.

Take a look, give it a try if you choose, keep what you

like and discard what you don’t.

We only wish to share with you our experience and

insights as we have worked with families over the years.

We wish for you the faith, hope and love that we believe

was intended to be the foundation on which the first

institution – the family – was founded.

Family Meetings

In today’s busy lifestyle of appointments, ball games,

concerts, various sorts of lessons and/or practices, work,

school and yes, even television time, we believe that the

best opportunity to return dialogue to families is

through the practice of family meetings. We also

believe there are three perceptions and three skills –

“The Essential 1/2 Dozen” – which are necessary for

individuals and families to effectively deal with life.

Research is plain that the three perceptions of seeing

one’s self as capable, as influential and as significant, are

essential in building confidence, healthy self-esteem and

resiliency (the ability to bounce back). Intrapersonal

skills, interpersonal skills and responsible decision95

making skills are best cultivated and developed through

practice.

The manner in which the family interacts in family

meetings through an environment of openness,

closeness, trust and non-judgment, helps instill in each

individual the perceptions listed above. The family

meeting also provides the practice field for the

development of the essential skills. We often refer to

family meetings as the “laboratory” for the development

of “The Essential 1/2 Dozen.”

Some ground rules help provide the environment so

necessary to conduct effective and productive family

meetings:

• The family meeting is not just a time for

parents to inflict their agenda upon the family,

but rather an opportunity for all family

members to express their thoughts and

feelings without fear of judgment or ridicule.

• It should also be stated that although

consensus is the goal, the family meeting is not

a democracy. Though parents may at times

“give in” or negotiate on some issues, limits or

boundaries, they should not, nor do we

encourage them to, agree to decisions,

solutions, or practices that clearly are not in

the best interests of physical, emotional or

psychological health of all concerned.

• The focus should be on solutions, not just

consequences.

• Family meetings are not just for problemsolving.

If so, they just become organized gripe

sessions. Meetings serve as a forum for

discussing anything relating to the family –

schedules, vacations, family outings, etc.

• It seems to work best when the family sets a

regular time for the meeting – the same day of

the week, the same time of the day, and a set

length of time. One hour is probably sufficient.

If young children are participants, 20-30

minutes might be more appropriate.

• Place is important. Comfort is important;

however, too relaxed affects focus. If the

meeting is around the table (a good place), the

table should be clear of distractions. Only this

notebook and pencil or pen are needed.

• There should be no interruptions. The

televisions, radios and cell phones are off, the

home phone is unplugged (or answered by a

machine in another room), and visitors are

discouraged. If a family member cannot

attend, the family may choose to reschedule or

allow that person to miss the meeting.

However, the member who misses lives by the

decisions made in the meeting.

Suggested Family Meeting Structure

The Agenda

The agenda is nothing more than the items for

discussion during the family meeting. You will see that

the first form in this notebook is the “FAMILY MEETING

Agenda Page.”

This page needs to be accessible at all times. The

notebook may have a special place on a coffee table,

end table or bookcase shelf. The page may even be

removed from the notebook and placed on the

refrigerator door.

If someone has a topic he/she would like to have

discussed at the next family meeting, the person simply

adds it to the bottom of the list, with their name or

initials (date is optional).

Incidentally, the agenda often serves as an opportunity

for a “cooling off” time. When an issue requiring cool

heads and discussion surfaces which could be potentially

controversial and/or explosive, it can often be dealt with

by the phrase, “Put it on the agenda.” This often brings

surprising results in dealing with immediate stressors.

The Chairperson

The chairperson calls the meeting to order, monitors the

meeting format and watches the time. The first time or

two, it is best if an adult chairs the meeting. Later, this

position may be rotated allowing all to have a turn.

Remember, this is not the person in charge, but merely

the meeting facilitator.

The Recorder

It is very important that minutes be kept of each

meeting. The “FAMILY MEETING Minutes Page” has

been supplied for this purpose. Again, this is a

responsibility which may be shared on a rotating basis.

The Meeting Format

The chairperson may use a blank copy of the “FAMILY

MEETING Minutes Page” as an outline for chairing the

meeting. The items marked with an asterisk (*) make up

the order of business. The chairperson calls the meeting

to order and the recorder fills in the top of the minutes

page. The chairperson may want the recorder to

announce the beginning time and ending time for

everyone’s information.

Compliments, Appreciations, Celebrations,

Congratulations

The chairperson then opens the meeting for

compliments, appreciations, celebrations and

congratulations. This sharing gives each person the

opportunity to be affirmed and can be done in many

ways. Family members may decide to share about all

other members present, the person sitting next to them,

or randomly. It is important that all family members

share and all are affirmed.

Discussing Agenda Items

The chairperson then presents the first item on the

agenda for discussion. Items should be taken on a firstcome-

first-served basis unless the family agrees by

consensus to change the order. When the agenda item

is read, the person who put the item on the agenda

should be allowed to speak first about the item. There

may be times when the person feels the item is no

longer an issue and can be deleted to move on.

Discussion then follows, allowing each family member

who wishes to share their thoughts, feelings and ideas

about the item. If appropriate, the next thing is to seek

a solution, answer or consensus about this item. Space

has been provided on the “FAMILY MEETING

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Brainstorming/Dialogue Notes Page” for brainstorming.

It is important that everyone’s ideas are considered

equally. Then, by process of elimination and

negotiation, a solution is reached by consensus. It is

important that all members of the family agree with the

decision. If no consensus can be reached, an item can

remain on the agenda for the next meeting.

If appropriate for an item, the same procedure can be

used to decide on logical consequences if a family

member chooses not to adhere to the agreed upon

decision.

Decisions and consequences are then “in effect” until

they appear and are changed in a subsequent family

meeting.

Clarification, Recording and Proceeding

At this point, it might be well for each family member to

state his/her understanding of the decision and the

related consequences. If clarification is needed, this is

the time to do it.

Decisions and consequences may then be transferred to

the “FAMILY MEETING Decisions/Consequences Page.”

(Record the Decisions/Consequences page number on

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the Minutes Page for easier reference.) This item may

then be scratched from the Agenda Page.

The chairperson then proceeds to the next item on the

agenda for discussion.

Reviewing the Family Calendar

When time is not sufficient to address another agenda

item, many families find it effective to review the family

calendar for the next week or so. Not only can many

problems be solved before they arise, but this activity is

an excellent way to learn and practice planning and time

management. The family may want to address as an

agenda item what to do about things which “pop up”

unexpectedly and were not on the family calendar.

Family Activity

Closing the family meeting with some family activity is

often an effective way to further enhance family

cohesiveness. The activity is limited only by the

imagination of the family members. It might be enjoying

a dessert, a game, an outing or a devotional. This

activity often becomes the highlight of the evening for

the entire family.

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Some Closing Thoughts

Change is almost always difficult. Change is

unpredictable. Today may not be good, but if there is no

change, at least tomorrow is predictable. However, to

become more effective, change is inevitable.

Families who have started family meetings often say it is

difficult at first. But with persistence these meetings

become a powerful family ritual and tradition. The

benefits are far-reaching. The preventive aspects of

family meetings can spare us heartbreak and give us

hope.

Helpful Hint

We recommend that you print this entire notebook,

three-hole punch it and put it in a binder. After printing,

make multiple copies of the forms (last four pages).

We hope you find these ideas and suggestions helpful.

Please feel free to share your comments, suggestions,

questions and successes with us. You may email us at

info@developingcapablementors.com.

103

Phyl and Deborah Brinkley have over 50 years of

combined experience working with families and are

dedicated to “Empowering Families for Successful

Living.”

As educators, trainers and public speakers, they are

committed to developing mentors who then create

environments where “The Essential 1/2 Dozen” may be

taught, caught and nurtured.

For additional information visit their website at:

developingcapablementors.com.

104

FAMILY MEETING Agenda Page

Page No: ______

Date Agenda Item Name

__________ ______________________________________________ _____________

__________ ______________________________________________ _____________

105

FAMILY MEETING Minutes Page

Date: _________ Beginning Time: ________ Ending Time: ________

Chaired by: ___________________ Recorder: __________________

* Sharing: (Compliments, Appreciations, Celebrations, Congratulations)

* Agenda Item: _____________________________ Pg: ____ No: ____

Brainstorming: (On Brainstorming Page)

Decision: _____________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Consequences: _______________________________________________

________________________________________________________

* Agenda Item: _____________________________ Pg: ____ No: ____

Brainstorming: (On Brainstorming Page)

Decision: _____________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Consequences: _______________________________________________

________________________________________________________

* Review decisions and consequences for understanding.

* Transfer decisions/consequences to Decisions/Consequences Page.

* Delete agenda items with decisions from Agenda Page.

* Review family calendar.

* Family activity: _____________________________________

* Next meeting date: _________________ Time: ______________

106

FAMILY MEETING Brainstorming/Dialogue Notes Page

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

107

FAMILY MEETING Decisions/Consequences Page

Page No: ______

Date Decisions/Consequences Change Date

1. __________ ___________________________________________ _____________

2. __________ ___________________________________________ _____________

3. __________ ___________________________________________ _____________

4. __________ ___________________________________________ _____________

5. __________ ___________________________________________ _____________

6. __________ ___________________________________________ _____________

7. __________ ___________________________________________ _____________

8. __________ ___________________________________________ _____________

9. __________ ___________________________________________ _____________

10. __________ __________________________________________ _____________

11. __________ __________________________________________ _____________

12. __________ __________________________________________ _____________

13. __________ __________________________________________ _____________

14. __________ __________________________________________ _____________

15. __________ __________________________________________ _____________

16. __________ __________________________________________ _____________

17. __________ __________________________________________ _____________

18. __________ __________________________________________ _____________

19. __________ __________________________________________ _____________

20. __________ __________________________________________ _____________

108

Phyl R. Brinkley

12 St. Thomas Drive

Maumelle, AR 72113

Home office 501-851-6857

Email:

phyl.brinkley@sbcglobal.net

Biographical Data

Phyl Brinkley has over 30 years experience

working with adolescents, parents and educators as a

youth minister, private and public school teacher,

professional school counselor and father. He earned a

B.A. and an M.S.E. from Ouachita University and a

M.Ed. in Counseling from the University of Arkansas.

He has conducted numerous workshops, seminars and

trainings for parents, educators, and adolescents. He was

a charter member of the Arkansas Youth Suicide

Prevention Commission.

Currently the Director of Counseling for Cabot

Public Schools, Phyl previously served the Fayetteville

School District as the Coordinator of Guidance and

Counseling. In 1995, while working in Fayetteville, he

was named the Secondary School Counselor of the Year

by the Arkansas School Counselor Association.

109

As a Certified Trainer of Leaders for H. Stephen

Glenn’s Developing Capable People®, Phyl helped with

the revision of the Developing Capable People®, course

and contributed a series of poems, which were included

in all the revised materials.

"Phyl Brinkley is an experienced resource and

exemplary trainer. His enthusiasm and dedication reflect

his professional and personal beliefs."

- H. Stephen Glenn, Author - Mentor

Phyl is also a Certified Trainer for the Kahler

Process Communication Model. Phyl has provided inservice

activities for school faculties, school district

administrators and school counselors utilizing this model.

Phyl is a Certified Associate Trainer for the Center

for Teacher Effectiveness. Their “Time to Teach”

strategies provide educators with research-based and

time-tested classroom management techniques.

Using the television production facilities at the

Jones Center for Families in Springdale, Arkansas, Phyl

and Debbie, his wife, developed and produced a

television series called “Building Stronger Families,”

consisting of twelve programs. Built around a talk and

discussion format, several programs featured H. Stephen

Glenn, the author of the Developing Capable People

materials, while others were panel discussions,

110

discussions with participants of the DCP workshops and

a live call-in show. The series aired weekly on the Jones

Television Network.

Phyl and Debbie also co-authored “The Family

Meeting Notebook.”

During the 2008-2009 school year, at the request

of the Arkansas Department of Education, Counseling

Division, Phyl presented 12 half-day trainings for

counselors around the state sharing what he calls “The

Essential Half-Dozen” perceptions, people skills and

priorities that empower our children and youth to be

capable, resilient and successful.

What others say about Phyl Brinkley:

"Your contributions and insights were simply

outstanding. Your care and concern shines through your

words and ideas. Because of your insights and comment,

I am going to suggest to my colleagues that we reexamine

the program in order to ascertain how we can

incorporate a much stronger affective component into the

extant curriculum."

– Middle School Chair,

College of Education, University of Arkansas

111

"Many, many thanks for working with our

teachers. The participants were so excited about the

material provided and very appreciative of the great job

you did in facilitating. Many stated that it was a most

valuable and rewarding activity, not only professionally

but also personally. I highly commend and recommend

you."

– Assistant Director, Northwest Arkansas

Education Service Cooperative

"Phyl has a great facilitator style – relaxed, ontask,

accountable for time, accepting of different styles,

gives valuable feedback."

– Leadership training participant

"Phyl is very enthusiastic and shows that his heart

is in it. Very inspiring and an effective leader himself."

– Leadership training participant

"Thank you for presenting to our Leadership

Institute. Not only was the workshop engaging, the

content was relevant and meaningful. The workshop

received rave reviews from everyone."

– District Administrator

"Phyl’s ability to bring humor and acceptance

through stories, data and emotion was right on target."

– Teacher participant

112

"I just wanted you to know what an impact you had

on the faculty. We are very grateful for the service you

provided and spark you lit within us."

– Middle School Principal

"Thank you again for your outstanding sessions at

the ArCA conference. We appreciate your efforts in

making the conference a positive experience."

– Linda Storm, Counselor

Comments from Conference Attendees:

"The two presentations by Phyl were the BEST and

most useful I have ever experienced at the ArCA

Convention! (10 years) Please encourage him to present

again in the future!"

"Great! The best presentation I have experienced

at ArCA."

"Very good session! Entertaining, informative, and

very thought-provoking."

"Could have listened for another hour without a

break! – Wonderful!!!"

"I was motivated by the presenter. Phyl Brinkley

was both informative and energetic. I will certainly use

the information with my students and clients in my

work.."

113

"Wonderful workshop! Most valuable

information!"

"Great ideas to help students be successful –

Thanks."

"I really enjoyed (Phyl) and most of all how he

presented his information. I appreciated his realness. I

definitely could relate. This information will definitely be

used both in my personal and professional life. Thank

you."

"(Phyl) did a good job of giving applicable

information – not just theories."

"This session really spoke to me – thanks Phyl."

"Really enjoyed session – Our teachers need to

hear this."

"Wonderful! FABULOUS! THANKS!" (gave a

rating of “6” in 17 areas – on a 5-point scale!)

"Wonderful! Bring him again."

114

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